Readers, you may have noticed we didn’t release a newsletter last week. We sincerely apologize.
Unfortunately, due to circumstances outside of our control, we were unable to.
We were at the office last Tuesday, about to send out our stock tips, when three men entered. Three more followed them. They all had assault rifles, and were screaming. We shivered in fear, and some of us cried. We all feared we would je suis Charlie.
Q: Who did this?
A: We were kidnapped by a Falun Gong offshoot called Falun Water, a group of architects applying the Falun Dafa five-organ system to their design. This radical architectural firm creates buildings with hearts that beat as vigorously as any human’s, lungs which breathe air purer than the clearest meadow, and stomachs and livers and kidneys which process toxins at rates heretofore unseen.
Unfortunately, they see Marxism in the same light as the main branch of Falun Gong, even after the schism, which resulted from years of tension about if windows are best placed above or below the eye-line.
Q: what are the origins of Falun Water’s more specific issue with Sentenced Lit?
A: it goes back several months. You might remember when we released an uncharacteristically short newsletter simply reading: “Falun Gong leaders encourage students to join sleep-in movement.” Or something like that. This was not us, as we noted on our social media. Our planned newsletter was about the material links between the Iowa Writer’s Workshop and the KKK, but this was completely deleted from the cloud and replaced with something much less important.
We hired a private eye named Duke Flimsworth investigate the source of this article (if you could call it that.) He quickly determined that the source of the newsletter was Falun Water, attempting to disseminate pro sleep-in messaging to a young, leftist audience.
Duke made his way out to Guangdong to investigate the complex system of servers the Falun Water maintained and carefully designed, aerodynamic data centers and discovered a vast conspiracy involving top members of the US Senate and Sebastian Gorka.
It doesn’t really matter or have any bearing over the world, and it’s not that interesting. We had no plan to expose any of the information we discovered, but Falun Water had different “schematics” about the situation.
We return now to where we started: in media res.
The hired thugs took no delight in their work, operating with tact and good grace, issuing stern warnings to stay down and shut the fuck up. Their weapons were never once pointed at any part of the body but our heads, showing a their disinterest in wounding us.
They opened each of our laptops and Dell PCs, one by one, and system wiped them. Afterwards, they microwaved the component parts. They took our phones and logged us out of our social media, and changed the passwords on our email accounts so we couldn’t log into Google Drive.
It’s safe to say that they destroyed six years of hard-hitting investigative journalism and two-hundred thousand dollars in assets before they ran out of the office and drove away in a McLaren 750 Spider.
The third guy sat on top of the stick shift, which made him look gay.
There’s no end to the trouble!
In the past week, we’ve received increasingly ominous messages from the group, including a letter filled with a mysterious white powder. They seem to think they have to constitutionally destroy us for our power to dwindle.
And… they’re right.
Rest assured, we at Sentenced will stop at nothing to expose the Falun Water Architectural Firm for their crimes. But, don’t worry, we won’t keep you updated. We know better than to start another serialized story with no true end-point. Our efforts will continue in the shadows.
The stock tips we were going to post last week begin now. Sorry they’re not useful anymore.
JUNE 23rd, 2025 STOCK TIPS:
- On June 25, Iran will strike a commercial shipping boat in the Straight of Hormuz. In retaliation, the US will strike Iran on June 26, an hour before the market closes. This means a rocky future for oil, but in the past month we’ve seen a decline in prices, so we’d recommend investing cautiously.
- Over the course of the next week, Space X will drop in valuation by about 25%. Now is the time to sell.
- Technology stocks are dropping, due in part to reinvestment in oil companies. We recommend buying stock in the most famous companies ever, like Apple, NVIDIA, and Alphabet.
See you in a week,
Sentenced Lit
