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Hey guys!
I’m a new employee at Sentenced. The editors left for a “forever lunch” at 9am and told me to get this newsletter done today or else I’ll be marked. I haven’t been shown the website or social media yet, so I’m unclear as to what the tone for the publication is, or what the newsletter is about.I’ll just speak genuinely about the situation at hand.
I was hired on because Sentenced is hemorrhaging money and they want me to turn the ship around. Let me break down their financials so you can get how dire it is.
— $120 a month on 4 copies of zoom business. I assume they think they all need it to get long meeting times or something. I really don’t know.
— $850 a month for two different websites, of which they have not given me the urls for yet. The invoice makes it clear they were horribly upsold by a bespoke scammer. Around $300 is billed as 3Lite 0nline Antivirus which doesn’t return any results on Grok Search.
— There’s also a bunch of miscellaneous purchases as well ranging from $1 (gum) to $3,900 (“Machine”).
The editors made it clear to me that these expenditures are here to stay, and my role is to bring in money to pay for these essentials.
A little about me before I explain my plan: I used to be big into InfoWars. I would tune in daily, knew Paul Joseph Watson by name, and watched the same transgender pornstars as Alex Jones. Most importantly, I bought and used Brain Force Plus and Super Male Vitality despite already being a very smart non-male.
These supplements changed my life. All my mental diseases and physical illnesses were dampened significantly, or vanished within weeks. I’d prefer to keep these sicknesses a secret, but know they are really bad and embarrassing.
With time, I grew to despise the InfoWars propaganda. My ideology shifted to that of a deeply confused liberal. But I kept taking the pills. They were the only thing keeping me well.
Then, The Onion bought InfoWars. That night I dreamt the trippiest dream, where I ran out of Brain Force Plus. I awoke choking on my pillow and knew I had to do something for the sake of my health. I couldn’t let Tim Heidecker ruin my life again.
I bought chemistry shit and learned how to be a chemist so I could replicate the supplements for fear they would be discontinued. Chemical analysis revealed they were simply sugar pills. I was duped.
Or was I?
Placebos have been shown to be surprisingly effective for fighting almost every ailment. From depression to cancer, from hypersexuality to GERD. All of which I have. I was delighted to learn my mind was capable of healing me. I continued to take them, aware of the fiction, and they still worked perfectly fine. You see, placebos can function even if you know you are taking one.
When I ran out of pills I called up a friend to come over. While anxiously waiting for his arrival, I sharpied the Triforce from The Legend of Zelda on a generic m&m. This would be my final, most powerful pill that would treat everything forever.
Upon arrival, I instructed my friend to don some smocks, and pretend to be a really smart doctor. This is easy for him, as he is the only writer of Young Sheldon.
He began:
“This pill, Lucy, is quite powerful. It’s basically like the most powerful and goodest pill you could ever have. It treats everything, really fast too. And you never have to take another medicine again in your entire life. Uhhh, and it is from the future, too.”
“Thanks doc!” I said, completely enraptured in the momentously crafted narrative.
“Yeah no problem. Also, drink it with this magic water, which also is very powerful, and boosts the pill’s power by a million percent!”
As you can see, he’s very good at story telling. I couldn’t have dreamed up a “magic water” in a trillion years.
Anyways, yah. Sentenced is about stories, right? So why don’t we open up an online store where we sell powerful fictitious pills and have staged telehealth sessions where we weave a narrative of ever-lasting health? It could really help some people and we can make a ton of money, probably. It could be called Sentencibos or something. Yeah.
I’m not sure how many people read this thing, but if anyone does, can someone reach out to me to tell me if this is a good idea or not? Email Sentenced, if that’s a thing that can be done. Thanks!!
— Lucy at Sentenced
Live long and prosper.
See you in a week,
Sentenced Lit
sentencedlit.org
