Good day friend,

We here at Sentenced are HARD AT WORK!

This is SENTENCED’s ninth weekly newsletter. Thank you for signing up! You will not be disappointed.

Submissions are STILL OPEN!

REMINDER: Submissions for our web and print outlets are OPEN!

Please submit visual art, short comics, and writing ranging from 1 – 4,000 words.

Send your work on over to contributions@sentencedlit.org!

Fluke’s Threats HAVE to STOP

Look, this is a bit of a long newsletter. We’re just warning you in advance.

As a reminder for those who might have just signed up for our newsletter, Fluke Dimsworth was a Private Eye we hired to investigate our mascot’s death, alongside hir family, and specifically hir sister, Miss Comma. Two weeks ago we fired Fluke for insubordination, and last week we received a series of emails from Fluke threatening to kill an infamous house robber named Crazy Jake, who specifically targets the poorest people in the country, alongside ten other random victims.

We are happy to announce that we averted a senseless tragedy such as this.

On Thursday, we reached out to Miss Comma to see if Fluke had contacted her. Unfortunately, we had to meet with her under less than ideal circumstances. She didn’t believe us when we said we weren’t wearing a wire.

Well, she WAS correct… we WERE wearing a wire. This led to her bringing a lawyer, who made sure she didn’t incriminate herself.

The transcript is as follows:

Sentenced: Did you, at any time over the course of the last week, interact with one Fluke Dimsworth?

Comma: I was approached by Fluke at the jazz club I often go to, the Blue Dolphin.

S: Is there any relation between the jazz club Blue Dolphin and the jazz standard On Green Dolphin Street?

C: You might think so, considering On Green Dolphin Street’s fame in the jazz community as being deceptively simple, at first, but breaking into harmonically complex B-sections… considering the heavy focus on modal jazz at the Blue Dolphin, you would expect a connection to On Green Dolphin Street even more. It might even thematically tie into something like, you know, a story which starts out as a pastiche of a particular genre and develops over time into something less simple, or at least less coherent. But… no, they don’t seem to be the same.

S: Would you say that whoever named it might have named it Blue Dolphin on accident, thinking they were referencing Green Dolphin Street but stupidly getting the color wrong on accident somehow?

Lawyer: Objection, irrelevant.

C: No, no… It’s quite alright. I think it’s possible. I even think that’s most likely.

S: Thank you. Miss Comma, did you speak with Fluke two months ago, and if yes, can you state for the newsletter what the nature of your conversation with Fluke was?

C: Yes. Fluke and I had a short discussion about my sibling. We did. What was said was very simple. I told him about my sibling’s drug habit, and about Crazy Jake.

S: Did you discuss his plan to kidnap Crazy Jake?

C: Of course not.

S: What was your conversation about last week?

C: It was about the fact that my sibling might have been killed by a close acquaintance of hirs.

S: Did he name a particular acquaintance?

C: He did.

S: Would you share with us this acquaintance?

C: No, I won’t.

Sentenced Lawyer: Objection, uninteresting and cheap foreshadowing.

L: It’s her right.

S: We’ll drop the line of questioning, if that’s what you’d like.

C: I had no idea about his criminal activities. I do not recall ever meeting Fluke Dimsworth prior to this. Like every decent person, I was horrified by what the readers have learned about his crimes.

L: I just got word… a photo’s been posted by the Sentenced Instagram.

C: Is that true? If you guys are doing that, I am done, you can edit me until the cows come home.

S: We did post one picture…

C: Oh, for Heaven’s sakes.

L: So, I’d like to understand how that is permissible…

S: It was before the interview was…

C: That doesn’t matter. We all are abiding by the same rules. No, I’m done. I’m out of here.

Unfortunately, this is where our interview ended.

We sent an email to Fluke saying we knew all about his theory regarding an “acquaintance”, kind of bluffing. Here’s what Fluke had to say about that:

F Mis sComma is telling you so much then why dont you marry her. You are a huyge asshole for posting a picture which I saw by the way you fucking asshole, and that’s why you’re never going to find love so. Also after all the time I told you to stop and respect me I was not respected and I was not loved.

My hterapist told me that I am only ready to kill because my firefighters have gone highwire and I shouldn’t listen to them and I should not do so.

I canot allow myself to be disrespected to this degree I want to do what I want to do. So I have also kidnapped therapist and doing more internal family investigation over bottles and bottles of Siroc bought with the money you gave me. And yes, I know Diddy owns Siroc and I like that abhout it.

I have new demand: Publish a short story by Cranny Boy who I like.

You have until the next newsletter on Tue. March 24 to meet my demands or I will kill Jake and the therapist and then I will take out a Queens-bound M train and pick off the MFAs as they come bouncing out.

Let us be very clear about this: we refuse to capitulate to the demands of psychopaths, and we won’t.

But, we were already planning on putting out a story by Cranny Boy in the coming week anyways. It’s pretty good luck, on that level.

So, I suppose you’ll have to be on the lookout for that.

Oscars Wrap-Up!

The Oscars was Sunday night, and this week, we have a special guest to tell you all about it!

It’s Best Supporting Actor Winner Sean Penn!

Take it away, Sean:

I Am Fighting In Iran

I was not in attendance at the Oscars and did not view the Oscars on the television. At the time of the Oscars, I was on the frontlines of the war in Iran, taking down Shi’a Jihadists.

The US hasn’t officially started a land war yet, but they will, and they’ve already sent in Delta Force tactical units. Due to my high status as an actor and my experience in Ukraine, I have started working with these brave men and women in order to fight a war against the Iranian despots who run the country of Iran.

Do I like that it’s Trump who started this war? No.

Now, I heard from a high-up source in military intelligence that Kieran Culkin took my new Oscar from me in a brazen act of aggression. I intend to fight back to the full extent of my power and kill that little fucker.

Kieran… Imagine if that Oscar was your daughter, and I took her from you. And imagine that you’re in the song Kim by Eminem, and you’re Kim, and your daughter is Eminem’s daughter. That’s what I’m doing to you once we take down the Ayatollah.

Little pussy-ass bitch trying to take my Oscar. We’ll see who’s laughing once the full-force of the United States Marine Corps storms Tehran and enforces total military control over the country. Because, let me tell you, I’m gonna be right there, gunning for the high office.

I’m gonna be the new, Zoroastrian religious leader of Iran, Kieran. I’m doing it. It’s up for grabs. I’m about to inherit the 2,550 year legacy of Cyrus the Great and become the fucking Shah.

My co-star Leonardo’s building a hotel out in “Palestine”. Yeah, that’s nothing. Just you wait until I’m done with Iran, here, cause when I’m in power, I’m building a big torture chamber. I’m building the complex from Cube, if they don’t already have it. And you’re going in it, Kieran, that’s you in there, in the Cube.

This Year’s Winners

Just reading off the email Sentenced sent me here about the winners, though I could give less of a shit, obviously.

Best actress was Jessie Buckley, but it should’ve been that Norwegian bitch from Sentimental Value. Buckley cried a lot, not easy to do on command, but they poisoned a kid to get the fucking scene, so whoop-de-doo.

Michael B Jordan won Best Actor. Overrated performance, in my eyes. You talk about playing twins being range, well buddy, I’ve played more than two guys over the course of my career. Should’ve been my good friend Ethan Hawke.

One Battle After Another won Best Picture, PTA best Director. People were mad about it, said it should’ve been Sinners, but that was never happening. One Battle After Another was always gonna win, that was fucking obvious if you’d have paid attention when you were shooting it.

Looks like Mr. Nobody Against Putin won Best Documentary. Thank God. Fantastic film, we need some shit like that out there. Zelenskyy’s a friend.

I’m more than glad America gave a win to a movie about an Eastern country’s unique problems with authoritarianism over a documentary about American police brutality and a documentary about the common systemic violence within the American prison system.

Thanks, Sean!

That’s it!

Yep, that’s it.

Short one this week.

Cranny Boy story soon.

We love you guys. We love you guys so much.

See you in a week,

Sentenced Lit

​sentencedlit.org