Good day friend,
This is SENTENCED’s last weekly newsletter. Thank you for signing up! You will not be disappointed.
Or will you be?
You read that right: this is the last one.
You won’t be disappointed if—if you’re okay with the massive stylistic shift about to take place here at Sentenced Newsletter Inc.
Now, I know we have joked about getting completely serious before.
We are no longer joking.
Yup. We’re getting into the News business—and out of the Newsletter business. Seeya!
News, news, news… What is News? Let us start at the beginning while we distractedly lick our finger and raise it above head.
It is the plural form of “new.”
It is gossip.
It is financial.
It is sporting.
But it is also a very serious thing that we don’t take lightly.
A separate, totally unrelated question: What is black and white and red all over? The news!
Or a zebra falling down the stairs!
OR a stoned Zebra. . .
But a newsletter? It can be any color under the rainbow about anything under the sun. The sun which provides us with the white light needed to see every color, by the by. “Ack!” you must say, “the light from this newsletter comes from my screen! Not the sun! Oh wait, without the light of the sun modern technology would not be possible, let alone my own life.” Yes! You got it!
Okay. Enough stalling.
Sounds like a good start to our last weekly newsletter, yeah? Well it isn’t sustainable. Our usual newsletter writer, Cole Tomas Allen, has gone AWOL! And we will not be looking into it. So we are left to write this by our lonesome only using the young child we have employed to write this for us (that’s me 😛 I like doing this. I’m 8.).
To prevent overworking our child, making this newsletter an unreadable mess, we are shutting down this weekly newsletter. Forever.
Now for the good news: we are starting up four incredible monthly newsletters written by actual guest contributors. Every week, we will release one of these monthly newsletters, sort of like a weekly newsletter. But don’t call it that.
Here is our current monthly lineup:
I. Sentenced News
A monthly report on the most important things happening around the world!
II. Sentenced Funnies
Silly little things sent to our dear readers in comic form twelve times per year!
III. Sentenced Opinion
A slice of our mind delivered hot and ready to your inbox every four weeks!
IV. Sentenced Speculation
Mensal stock trading tips and stories from the future!
WOW! Our final weekly newsletter isn’t that bad for being written by an 8 year old (my name is Doug and I like friendship and believe in the power of love)! Good job bud. Sadly, we have to go back to raising him. Maybe he’ll write newsletters for us again when we’re in a nursing home. That would be hella sweet. Awww 🥺
Also, the Interview Scheme is going well. We have selected our interviewees and will send out emails shortly. We’ll see you next week for a fresh newsletter written by adults.
I hope y’all liked my newsletter. It took me all fucking day.
Doug, The Sentenced Minor
sentencedlit.org
