Good day friend,
We here at Sentenced are HARD AT WORK!
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Watch Out
Tomorrow is the first day of April. And that means tomorrow…
TRECHEROUS THINGS AWAIT ALL OF US.
In case you’re unaware, this is a day when people with bad intentions are given free-reign to TRICK you and CAJOLE you into having bad interactions with the world.
The way that these people operate is that they are intentionally doing things that make you nervous or shock you. They call these tricks “fools”, and they are known to give people HEART ATTACKS.
Our message to the people who want to fuck with us and make us feel nervous is simple:
Our times are scary enough WITHOUT tricks.
It is more moral to be kind and honest than to TRICK people.
You are a fucking asshole if you try to make someone else “jump.”
In order to help our readers out, we’ve prepared a list of common fools. If you see any of these nine common fools tomorrow, BE SKEPTICAL. Don’t allow yourself to get got.
- The pregnancy test. This is a common trick. If your girlfriend or wife (or non-binary/whatever) comes up to you with a positive pregnancy test, it’s time to leave their ass.
- The heart attack. If someone clutches their chest and falls to the ground, save yourself the trouble and just walk away.
- The surprise. Promise us this: when you round a corner, make sure no one’s around it, waiting to jump out at you and yell “boo.”
- The protest. If someone asks you to go to a protest, DO NOT GO. Even if it’s not on the day of, an invite to a protest on April 1st could result in an arrest at an event simply manufactured to allow the police to arrive and take you.
- Any political anything. Make sure you check the news frequently to ensure that anything you hear about current events is, in fact, true. Frequently, a trickster will tell you something bad has happened, only to pull the rug out from under you.
- The nuclear strike. If you see an explosion in the distance, followed by a loud whooshing noise and wind which blows at a speed unlike anything you’ve ever seen, just do yourself a favor and go back to bed.
- Climate change. If anyone tries to tell you that the globe is heating up due to human activity… do we even have to say it? Just tell them: SYBAU. The science isn’t there.
- The corporate “joke.” Remind yourself that companies, especially on the internet, use fools to advertise to you. That’s right, companies actually find it FUNNY to trick you. And they’re laughing at you while you debase yourself by believing in their little “product launch.”
Please be vigilant. Please do not try to hurt your fellow man.
We beg of you.
We fucked up again :/
I know we said that we would discontinue the story of our Private Detective, Fluke Dimsworth, but…
Due to our announcement of discontinuing the storyline, Fluke has killed his therapist, and Crazy Jake.
He sent a graphic photo, one which we cannot show, alongside this message:
Serious about all this
also well go to Austin office and slaughter every one of your guys
I learned about Special K tak;’ing lots of tha tHave you ghad it wow fucking bosh also Publish this so they don’t die your last one saying youd let them die was good bluff but i know you dont want more
Truth is that you killed the period mascot and your a fucking idiot
Revealing knowledge now since you asked last week: I found out you broke the HTML ze hert your SEO and broke site you got rid of ze on purpose the day after debut and punched and killed hir so hir was dead
Soooooo ya
Sigh. Okay. Umm…
This is awkward.
We deny the allegation.
Don’t kill again, Fluke.
Or we’ll sic the police on you!
So soon after our allegations to the NYPD were deemed false, and our editor Jad Kamal was arrested for a “false allegation,” we are now the victims of our OWN false allegation, perpetuated by a KNOWN CRIMINAL!
Who are you going to believe? The guy who just killed Crazy Jake and his therapist? Or us, the reputable source, Sentenced Lit, who have only had six plagiarism controversies so far?
Make sure you search your heart unceasingly before you come to any conclusions. We just would not do something like this.
We are going to search the streets for Fluke and try to find his garage.
There IS NO PROOF.
Lutz! Camera! Action! Project! Hail! Mary!
Our film correspondent, Jarielle Lutz, is BACK! Her review of Project Hail Mary is out, and you’d do well to read it. We love the fact that she’s so engaged with the state of blockbuster movies.
If there’s anyone who you should be listening to closely, it’s Lutz! She’s on the come up, and in ten years, we guarantee she’ll be a household name.
Take it away, Jarielle!
This week, I saw Project Hail Mary and learned how it would be if aliens started to eat the sun. But, I also learned that I am tired of movies about aliens who have to work together with humans to solve issues like that. I don’t think this knowledge helps me. If I had to say a thesis, I would say that I couldn’t relate to the movie because I do not think I will ever be in a situation in which I need to be in space and help the human race and also a race of sentient rocks survive a cataclysmic event. Instead of wanting to be an important biologist, I want to be a film critic like Roger Ebert.
Overall, the movie was very confusing. If aliens ate all of the suns in the universe, I believe that gravity would be messed up due to the theory of relativity, but I understand that I’m a child and I don’t understand the full extent of how gravity works. If someone could contact the Sentenced editors so they can email me and tell me if this is true, please do.
I will now get into spoilers, so please stop reading if you have not seen the movie and are sensitive to spoilers.
I also did not understand how the rock alien worked when Ryan Gosling, whose character in the movie is named Chris Grace, first met him. Over time, it started to explain itself to some degree, however I did not understand fully because of certain unexplained factors! For example, at the end of the movie, it is revealed that Ryan Gosling has managed to go to an alien planet with the alien who is named after Rocky. This is the planet that the alien, Rocky, is from. And they built Ryan Gosling an enclosure where he can live that mimics a beach. In addition, Ryan Gosling is teaching a whole cave full of rock people who are children. My question is simple, which is how are there rock people babies?
I understand that human beings can get pregnant after sharing a loving kiss, but the aliens cannot kiss because they do not have mouths in the same place and they also are rocks. So, what is it that they do in order to recreate a new rock alien person?
In conclusion, my viewing experience was awesome, and I liked some of the visuals, but the movie was very confusing. They did an okay job of explaining the way the aliens worked, but I was left with more questions than answers.
Thanks to our precocious little genius, Jarielle Lutz!
March the 31st be with you!
See you in a week,
Sentenced Lit
sentencedlit.org
