Good day friend,

This is SENTENCED’s first funnies section. Thank you for signing up! You will not be disappointed.

For this week’s newsletter, we were going to release some very interesting comics made by us and our community. However, two occurrences happened/occurred.

1) We did not get any comics ready in time.

2) A fresh Jeffrey Epstein suicide note dropped.

Yup. Read number two again.

Before we talk about the note, we need to make an important, somewhat redundant announcement: we are now publishing comics.

And, we’re awarding 20 big ones (USD) to the creator of our favorite one!

So don’t wait to send yours to contributions@sentencedlit.org! We will be awarding the big ones on June 15th, so make sure to get something in before then!

Now, onto the lede that we stupidly buried.

When a fresh suicide note appears from nowhere from a figure as infamous as Jeff, a frenzy of press is sure to follow. But not this time. We might actually be the first publication talking about it. You see, there are actually two suicide notes—the one you have seen already in your newsrag of choice, and the one we are exclusively reporting.

The difference? Our copy, which may or not be an original copy, has a little smear of chocolate on the paper. It might be something else, but it looks to us like a finger touched some melting chocolate and brushed carelessly against the evidence.

Quite honestly – and ironically enough – it looks like it was written by a child. So, in the vibe of journalism, we hired some victims (unrelated; burn victims) to transcribe it for us.

“They investigated me for month – FOUND NOTHING!!! It is a treat to be able to choose one’s time to say goodbye. So 16 yr old charges resulted. Watcha want me to do – Bust out cryin!! NO FUN – NOT WORTH IT!!“

-Jeffrey “Jeff” Epstein

The results? Well, the gist of the note is the same. The guy was no good.

So now we’re going to roast him.

Yup. He could use a little humbling, in our view.

We’re hiring some pretty famous people, and writers as well, whom you may have heard of.

Shane Gillis has not yet responded to the job offer, but we’re confident we are less than three degrees of separation from him, and that he may respond to our next roast inquiry.

We’re betting that Jeffrey Epstein’s fanbase will take a sizable hit by the time it’s all said and done.

See you soon,

Sentenced Funnies

sentencedlit.org

The Roast of Jeffrey Epstein

“They investigated me for month – FOUND NOTHING!!!”

Tony Hinchcliffe​
Erm. Mr. Epstein, do you even know how to read? Month? It’s months, Jeffrey. With an S. Unless you’re saying they only investigated you for one month. In that case, fuck. I guess I’m wrong. First time for everything. Heh. Wait! No. In that case you would say “for *a* month.” Also, a bit indignant, no? Listen bud, you were quite a ladies man back in your day. They used to call you Jeffrey Ladies Man. Folks, they really did. But you weren’t a saint. Saying they “found nothing” in the investigation is like saying they “found nothing” inside of Lizzo’s cookie jar. Lizzo’s here everyone. Eppy, you, my friend, are a fucking ignoramus. Furthermore, you look like another Jeffrey Ladies Man I am close with: Jeff Ross – who is ugly. Bam!

“It is a treat to be able to choose one’s time to say goodbye.”

Lizzo
​Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey. Like me, you peaked in 2019 when you hung yourself in some jail cell. HAHAHAHAHA. It is a treat to choose one’s time to say goodbye to you! I said it. Come at me. Just like I did in the mirror this morning. Sometimes I think there is an evil clone of me in the house and I run at it, full speed, barking like a dog. I’m rich and have a lot of money to replace mirrors. That’s another way you’re like me, Jeffrey, you’re rich. Sadly, there’s not enough money to replace you. You’re one of a kind. That kind being a douchey idiot! What else what else. Fuck you Tony Hinchcliffe. Kill Tony is your show and the thing someone should be doing. Someone kill this man! He’s annoying and I don’t want him alive. I would do it but I don’t want to face the repercussions. Please, someone without a wonderful music career, kill Tony! You can blame it on the juice if you’d like. That might reduce your sentence.

“So 16 yr old charges resulted.”

Jeff Ross
​Jeffrey, I was looking forward to roasting you, but then I met you in the greenroom and realized you’re a cool guy. Plus, we share a first name. It pains me to say this, but I have to abstain from roasting tonight! Lizzo, I hear you loud and clear.

“Watcha want me to do – Bust out cryin!!”

Jeff Ross leaves the roasting podium and punches Tony Hinchcliffe in the face. Tony’s skull shatters. Jeff pummels Tony into the couch, over and over again, until all of Tony’s bones turn to dust, and that dust turns to smoke, and the couch takes on the shape of a destroyed boy. Despite the mind-breaking pain, Tony continues dishing out roasts.

“Erm. I’ll take my leave. You’re all gay!” Tony says, hobbling off the stage.

“NO FUN – NOT WORTH IT!!”

Jeff grabs Lizzo’s flute, bends it into a machine gun, and shoots Tony in the foot so he can’t escape. Jeff bends the flute into a pistol shape and pistol whips Tony in the elbow, bending his arm backwards like a strand of cooked spaghetti. Jeff uppercuts Tony into the ceiling, where he gets stuck. Tom Brady tosses Jeff a metal bat from across the stage. Jeff spins the bat around, feeling its weight, before whacking Tony around like a piñata. Gore pours out of Tony like candy. Every celebrity celebrates and starts putting the gore in cute little baskets for later use. Credits roll as Juice by Lizzo plays.

Writers:
Nick Mullen
Stephen Colbert
Bob Odenkirk
Tim Kalpakis

If you or someone you know is interested in suicide, call this number:

1-800-SU1C1D3

Resources available include tips for rejecting either/or thinking, choice cuts from select manifestos, and uplifting ska music. If the line is busy, try back in the autumn during banking hours.